By Bill Rockas
WASHINGTON, DC – In response to former President Donald Trump’s fourth indictment, all major news outlets announced that his crimes are too numerous and confusing to properly report.
This descent into anguish was no sudden shift as news outlets began to cover the indictments reluctantly. It started with The New York Times releasing an exposé entitled “You Know The Drill”, followed by The Washington Post’s coverage entitled “Time Is A Flat Circle” the contents of which were old reports on Watergate and Fox News’ original broadcast marathon, “We’ll Just Make Some Shit Up About How He’s Right, Nom Nom Nom You Fascist Octogenarians”.
Kimberly Babble, head of Vox, related: “You can only say something is unprecedented so many times before it’s just… precedented.” Kimberly then lambasted the journalists at the Wall Street Journal who initially titled their piece “Why This Fourth Indictment Is Really The One That’s Gonna Stick It To ‘Em, Just You Watch Guys. PLEASE, I Promise!” While scrolling through the latest updates from Pop Crave, she retorted with “Yeah sure there are new details and crimes but we just can’t keep up.”
This new shift has emboldened newspapers to focus on stories where there’s nothing at stake and no denial discourse. Henry Flop, Editor In Chief of The Washington Post, announced new columns with pure glee. “We’re so happy to share with you irrelevant yet reliably quaint and factual coverage of topics such as what Justin Long had for breakfast or how many trees there are in the park across from my house.” Theo H from Buzzfeed News also chimed in saying, “We’re also big boys. We cover news and we’re important” before dropping all his toys down the stairs and openly weeping. He’s 44 years old.