By Izzy Ster
LOS ANGELES, CA – Following his insurmountable journey for 18 months, 13 days, and 45 seconds, local guy best friend Harry Johnson is still looking for where his “hug [is] at.”
Johnson, a junior pursuing a B.A. in Economics, is the token “guy best friend” of senior Kelly Page. “I’ve told him time and time again,” Page laments. “ But I can’t find where the hug he wants is. It’s exhausting, being single-handedly responsible for someone like that.”
The two friends met at a fundrager for a USC Independent Student Productions (ISP) — a student-written play exploring love, identity, and life through the eyes of a basic, college girl. Johnson remembers catching Page’s eye from across the Menlo house’s backyard: “I never believed in love at first sight until I saw her. Sure, we only spoke two sentences about Page’s semester abroad in London before she vomited on my shoes, but still. I think what we have is very special.”
However, Page is not of the same opinion. For the past year and a half, she has “friend zoned” Johnson multiple times. “I call him homie, hombre, buddy…and even say ‘he’s like a brother to me!’ But STILL he tries to do the TikTok kiss your best friend trend. Every time I hear ‘Electric Love’ by Børns, I start to convulse.”
Johnson’s journey, which has been a treacherous expedition of one-sided romance in the greater South Central area, has left him exhausted, dehydrated, and “incredibly pent up.” “Please… Kelly… all I ask is… where my hug at?” In his dying breaths, Johnson managed to embody one last devious lip bite before he collapsed and died.