Construction for USC Infinite Youth Fountain to be Finished Whatever Year You Graduate

By Liam Stephenson

LOS ANGELES, CA – After complaints about delayed construction of the new School of Dramatic Arts building, University of Southern California administrators have announced that the new Trousdale Fountain of Youth will be finished the exact year you leave.

Following their traditional building schedule, USC has instructed the fountain’s construction workers to simply “chainsmoke on roofs, look tired, and fuck around with drills” to convince students that they’re hard at work. The school is reportedly paying said workers in dining dollars, which many unions have taken issue with since USC recently abandoned the Meal Swipe Standard – a tall pink drink and an egg white bite to the $3000.

“We’ve shifted our priority from current students to alumni,” stated President Carol Folt, fondling the pin of her favorite grenade. “We want alumni to come back and be impressed at what they’re missing out on, so the Trousdale Fountain of Youth will simply be a mirage until graduates return years later.” Folt reportedly pushed for the infinite youth fountain after her annual dinner at the Village Dining Hall, during which a crepe took a decade off her life. The crepe has since been arrested and banished to the hot line of Everybody’s Kitchen.

“It excites us that future pledge classes will be able to make freshmen girls look even younger,” stated Spike Bevridge, Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) representative and recent inductee into the Allegation Hall of Fame. Tri Delta representative Iman A’Ryan did not speak on the matter, as she was too busy trying her Spanish out on a visibly white El Pollo Loco employee.

Wealthy alumni, per usual, can’t believe how much the campus has changed. “An infinite youth fountain? When I was here in ‘64, we didn’t even have football!” yelled your grandpa, who flew in from the conservative part of a swing state for alumni weekend. “Hell, we didn’t even have classrooms! The bookstore used to be a bomb shelter, CAVA was a whorehouse, and Tommy Trojan sold me molly!” Sources say your grandpa proceeded to tell a freshman tour guide she had a “Hollywood chest.”

Depending on the fountain’s success, USC expressed interest in replacing the Leavey Reflecting Pool with a bottomless pit for overworked Thematic Option students to jump in.