By Liam Stephenson
ANAHEIM, CA – After an animatronic dragon exploded in Disneyland California’s “Fantasmic” light show, the resulting fire seemed to forget an important spot – the entire park.
State authorities are unsure if the fire “forgot where it was or something,” as it left the glorified urinal of a park mostly unscathed. No deaths were reported, though multiple children were caught on video begging their siblings to jump into the fire à la Big Hero 6. “Once my brother dies, I’ll be like Hiro Hamada!” stated six year old Chip Johnson, who isn’t Japanese, inhumanly intelligent, or remotely anything like animated character Hiro Hamada. “And I’m only THIS MANY YEARS OLD!” Chip proceeded to hold up both of his index fingers, which he later clarified signified eleven years, not two.
Many Disney adults are reportedly suing the park for emotional damages, as the haunting moment contained more conflict than any media they’ve ever consumed. “If we didn’t have all 489 of our kids on backpack leashes, they could have DIED,” commented Belinda Turpentine, a grown, tax-paying woman wearing Minnie Mouse ears. Like many families, Belinda and her Nintendo Switch-addicted husband are now boycotting the bacteria-ridden hellhole. “It’s safe to say we won’t be coming back for a full 24 hours,” said Belinda’s husband after deepthroating a Lilo and Stitch ice cream bar. “Okay, maybe 16 hours.” The family proceeded to leave and return in 30 seconds flat, citing “Dole Whip withdrawals.”
The animatronic dragon was quickly rushed to the nearest Dignity Health after the incident and was miraculously revived by the power of friendship. “I wish they had just let me die,” commented the 45 feet tall animatronic, sporting an uncanny smile. “There’s nothing ‘Fantasmic’ about being a mindless entertainment robot. I’m LITERALLY a cog. I’ve never been more envious of every parent in a Disney movie. Please… I just want two to the back of the head, like Bambi’s mother…” The dragon proceeded to short circuit and sing the cute song it was programmed to perform, though 50 octaves lower and in perfect Latin.