LOS ANGELES, CA — After downing nine natty lites at Lambda Chi Alpha this Sunday, senior philosophy student Bruce Rebin awoke on Monday not only with a hangover, but also as a giant insect.
“Just yesterday we were playing Rage Cage and now he’s a giant insect,” said frat brother, Matt “Slimdog” Scone. “We tried fixing him up with some blue Powerade but he just knocked over a lamp and scuttled across the ceiling.” We asked Mr. Rebin for comment, but only received a garbled string of high-pitched squeals and moans. He had a sad look on his giant insect face.
Another important aspect to note is that the author of this article has not read Kafka’s “Metamorphosis,” and neither have you, you dirty little slut.
I know why you clicked on this article. It made you feel smart, didn’t it? You got the “allusion.” Yeah, I know you learned that word in ninth grade English Lit.
Isn’t it sad that you can’t even consume media alone, by yourself, without feeling the need to satisfy your own ego. Maybe you’re reading this so you can reference it to your friends. So they know that you know that this is a reference to Kafka’s “Metamorphosis.” And you know what, they’ll act so so interested, because they too, want you to know that they know that this is a reference to Kafka’s “Metamorphosis.”
How pitiful. How utterly pitiful. You deserve a spanking.
Are you into this? You must be. Why are you reading this? Go read Kafka’s “Metamorphosis.” I’m not laughing with you, I’m laughing at you.
Yeah, I see that New Yorker tote bag, Jas. You don’t even read the New Yorker. You’re from California.
And to The Sack of Troy. I pitched this headline because I knew you would gobble it up. You’re no better than the swine who meander around campus. You’re worse. You’re a gross caricature of them.
UPDATE: Rebin is still a bug.
Photo by Егор Камелев on Unsplash