By Alexandra Ornes
WASHINGTON D.C. – On Saturday scientists announced erectile dysfunction could be a long-term side effect of Coronavirus, which quickly led the FDA to fast-track the Covid vaccine.
“Administering as many vaccines as possible is now our top priority,” said Dr. William Lear, head of the FDA’s vaccine task force. “The virus didn’t seem super serious, but now that we know the loss of bpm [boners per minute] in America we need to act quickly.” The FDA moved the virus from a level 2 emergency, which includes things like the flu, growing pains, and menstrual cramps, to a level 10 emergency, which only includes one other medical condition: premature ejaculation.
The FDA moved forward with full support from the White House. “We cannot let our country fall apart due to the CHINA VIRUS,” tweeted President Trump. “And now they’re taking away what makes our men manly. It is an ATTACK on the holyness of the American way of life and CHINA WILL PAY.”
“I don’t remember having it but with this recent news I’m sure I’ve had Covid,” said Ben Montgomery, a 56-year-old Trump supporter. “I started having ED four years ago, so it must have infiltrated our country with the Obama administration, and then China attacked us with a stronger strain to keep Trump from winning. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
Following this new discovery, the CDC has announced that vaccines will be distributed to men under 70 first, then to men over 70, and then to essential workers.