DEAR MOM: Close the Door!

by Finn Kobler


Dinner’s downstairs, sweetie! 🙂




OHMYGOD CLOSE THE FUCKIN’ DOOR!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS?! Every time you come to my room, that door is more open than a pudgy little 4th grader during an AYSO soccer game. Telling me it’s time for school? You leave the door open. Telling me to go to French Horn practice? You leave the door open. Telling me to hide because Dad got caught racketeering members of the Sinoloa Cartel again? Door! Open! 

Look, I know I haven’t been the easiest kid. You having to get a C-Section because I had an adult-sized urethra but little baby-sized legs when I was born was likely a very painful and expensive procedure and I know Grandma hasn’t forgiven me for trying to putting her cat in Cousin Henrietta’s Easy Bake Oven back in 2007 but I’ve since apologized and I really think I’m turning my life around. My new diet where I eat a singular turkey leg at 4 PM and sixteen scoops of hemp protein powder at 10 PM has caused moderate to lukewarm weight loss so I’ll be in shape for JV wrestling. I’m the eighth most subscribed Funko Pop unboxer on all of YouTube. I’m even working on publishing my 9/11 theory transcripts. I’m a man hard at work, but that work requires privacy and that privacy can’t be achieved with the DOOR OPEN!!!!!!!



P.S. What’s for dinner?