by Gabriella Tranchina
THE ROW– At Sigma Nu’s party last Friday, freshman Claire Shea proved herself a modern-day hero by peeing in the frat house’s bathroom. When Shea began her trek towards the deep, dark, vast unknown, her friends begged her to make the safer but less convenient choice of holding it or returning to New/North.
Tears in her eyes, Shea shook her head at them and reached for the rusted door knob.
“No woman has ever done that before! Not even Gloria Steinem…or Oprah!” one onlooker cried as she watched the pioneer begin her life-changing journey.
Shea described the bathroom as a bacteria-ridden Petri dish with several red Solo cups containing substances she could not identify as of this Earth. There was no soap, toilet paper, or paper towels, but there was a single clogged toilet amongst the filth.
“I was slapping the wine bag all night, and I thought I could just give up, let the patriarchy win…or I could fight it,” Shea explained.
After a minute of unsurpassable disgust, the courageous woman made it out alive and was met with an uproarious applause.
“At one point, I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I felt myself getting lightheaded,” said the young inspiration. “But then I thought about a world of change, and the difference I could make for the feminist movement and women everywhere.”
As for her future plans, Shea will continue to study at USC and pee in frat house bathrooms, but God forbid if she has to go number two.