Underpaid Chemistry Lecturers Vote to Un-Ionize

by Axel Hellman

USC — In a landmark decision, part-time lecturers, adjuncts, and other non-tenure staff at the Dornsife School of Letters, Arts, and Sciences Department of Chemistry voted by a 9-1 margin to un-ionize.

Part of a wave of labor organizations across the country, they are the first group at USC to join other un-ionized molecules in search of higher pay, better hours, and complete electron shells. They call themselves the Noble Masses.

“USC has stripped us of all the benefits that once made teaching a well-paid, prestigious job,” said employee rep, Barry Liam, “By un-ionizing, our members can expect to form better, more covalent bonds with other workers at the university and have their jobs return to a more stable state.”

USC Provost Michael Quick was quick to condemn the newly un-ionized chemistry instructors, saying, “This vote will do nothing to improve labor relations between staff and the university. All it has done is make the atmosphere here negatively charged.”

“At this point, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”