Student Returns from Break to Find Roommate In Only Slightly Different Spot from When He Left

by Jack Hackett
photos by Colton Stock

USC–Sophomore Brandon Collins returned from break on Sunday to find his roommate Mikey still on the couch in nearly the exact same position as before he left him on Tuesday night.

“Not only has he barely moved an inch,” added Collins, “but he’s also still wearing the same stupid stoner shirt and running shorts. And everything’s covered in Dorito dust.”

Although Mikey said he had two essays to write over break, he instead re-watched 4 seasons of Family Guy and finished off a whole box of Cap’n Crunch. Additionally, Mikey claims that his proudest moment was when he created a new sandwich consisting of bologna, cheese, and ketchup on a bagel.

“I call it a Mikey special,” proclaimed Mikey. “Throw it in the microwave for a minute-fifteen, open a bag of peanut M&M’s, and bam! You got yourself a meal.”

“I knew I was gonna run into trouble when I saw a white mist emanating from below the door,” recalled Collins. “Right when I stepped inside, my eyes started to water. It smelled like someone left rotting fish in a gym sock.” Collins leaned in close: “I don’t think he’s showered since Tuesday.”

“I haven’t!” yelled Mikey from across the room as he jammed a fistful of craisins in his mouth.

Reportedly, when Mikey stood up to give Collins a welcome back hug, a deep indent of Mikey remained in the couch.

Below are before and after break pictures of Mikey, provided by Collins:

Jack Hackett

He is your run of the mill bad boy. He hangs out by the dumpsters during recess sucking down cigarettes. He is complex by nature, but is simply looking for love.

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