by Joseph Grazier
College can be a difficult time for many- it’s a time when one is pressured to form a new identity, being surrounded by thousands of people they’ve never met. Finding good friends can be hard- it requires one to be socially well rounded, intelligent, and interesting.
Fortunately for those lacking in the necessary skills to make friends on their own, the Greek system is waiting with open arms for anyone willing to adhere to a long series of rules and regulations based on decades of relentless social stratification.
The latest in a series of sheep-herding efforts by the community was held by Alpha Zeta Zeta, said by many to be one of the “top” houses of the Greek community. The party, titled “Conformity is Fun!” was aimed at recruiting incoming Freshman from orientation.
“I was really scared of college at first- the idea of meeting a bunch of new people and having to find friends on my own who like me for who I am was horrifying,” said incoming freshman Kurt Zisa. “I’m used to just buying my way out of any obstacle, and the Greek system finally lets me solve my social problems with money, too!”
Among the attractions at the party were 5 oil drums full of “Assumed Consent Lemonade,” seminars on the importance of doing what everyone else is doing, and party games like “pin the Polo on the consumer whore.” Noted area DJ Terrorific was also present, performing his trademark “technically music.”
The party broke school attendance records, and resulted in the destruction of three homes, five vehicles, and a three legged German Shepherd who just didn’t know when to give up. The damages were quickly paid off by the parents of the fraternity members, who chalked it up as “easier than talking to them.”