by Andy Gause
The USC administration recently announced plans to build a new dorm out of the surplus of pristine, neatly folded newspapers that dot the campus. Administrators claim it will make USC more eco-friendly as the unread newspapers kill as many as seven trees.
The administration only needed one day’s worth of unread papers for the structure. “Seriously there’s, like, a hundred stacks of unread papers around this campus,” stated Papel Papier, a construction worker on the project.
There are some skeptics from the Architecture program that think the building will wilt if soaked in rainwater. The administration is confident that this won’t occur, as the records show it hasn’t rained in Los Angeles in nearly thirty years.
This initiative excites many in the environment awareness movement. Kelly Robertson, a Senior Petroleum Engineering major, marveled, “It’s about time USC did something to offset its carbon Louis Vuitton footprint. Did you know that fountains only use water electrolyzed from endangered whale tears? The toxic waste we dump created those mutated squirrels that torment the grassy areas around campus.”
No squirrels were available for comment.
However there have already been negative reports on the building. Many claim that it continues to shake back and forth. To combat the shakiness, the administration has decided to place over three dozen workers to hold up the building. In an official statement, the university maintained that the shakiness won’t matter. “It’s Freshmen–who gives a spit? They won’t know any better. Besides it’ll still be better than Trojan Hall.”
When asked what they thought about using the campus newspaper for building material, several students were confused. Sydney Kim, a Junior Lollygagging major, asked, “We have a newspaper?”