By Drew Thomas-Nathan
EARTH — The entire world economy has finally pivoted to video content, your own eyes and ears confirmed Wednesday morning.
That’s right: Everything from schools to offices, parties to concerts, improv shows to stand-up shows, and even the last time you’ll ever hear your grandfather’s voice has all moved to the home video format made possible by modern technology and made necessary by global incompetence.
Tech giant Facebook, which was accused of inflating viewing numbers to boost its initial call for media companies to pivot to video content in 2015, feels “totally f*cking vindicated” according to Mark Zuckerberg. “We called it. People were mad at us back when it wasn’t true, but now it is true! So yeah. Why not sit back and let the pros dismantle global democracy, okay?”
The shifting landscape has done a number on the economy, particularly for the media companies that have been chasing the content wave for the last half-decade. Vice CEO Nancy Dubuc said, “First we fired all our writers to have more video guys back in 2015. When that turned out to be based on a lie we fired the video guys to bring back the writers. Now video is a real thing?! I kinda don’t want the virus to go away, just so we don’t have to switch back again.”
Many other workers have been caught off-guard by the sudden change. Local subway dancers and street guitarists alike have tried to make do by plugging their GoFundMe campaigns during live-streams, while professional mime Maggie Skynard said in an interview, “My whole thing is creating a box but online I start in a rectangle, which is already a box in a way.”