Student’s Shitty Fake ID More Believable Than Résumé

by Jack Hackett and Kim Rogers

USC — In order to prepare for career fair, junior Matt Stevenson hastily typed up a resume to hand out to potential businesses. However, upon inspection his resume is less believable than his fake Hawaiian driver’s license.

Matt Stevenson Resume
A confiscated copy of Stevenson’s résumé

“His license looks like absolute shit,” said 901 bouncer. “Hawaii is spelled with one ‘I’ and the picture is of a fifty year old woman. If he thinks that looks good, then that resume must be an abomination.”

Stevenson’s forehead dripped with sweat as he handed over his nearly blank resume to the Johnson and Johnson table. The recruiter scanned the poorly formatted document and instantly inquired about questionable qualifications:

“I immediately became suspicious when I saw ‘Business Encompassor’ but his resume was already in the trash by the time I got to ‘Increased Significance by 20%’. It’s like he was testing my intelligence.”

At other booths, Stevenson struggled to recall the finer details of the advertising and stock company he invented earlier that morning, but could readily recite the zip code from his fake, something the recruiters weren’t impressed by.

At presstime, Stevenson was seen writing his name on a resume he found on the ground.

Jack Hackett

He is your run of the mill bad boy. He hangs out by the dumpsters during recess sucking down cigarettes. He is complex by nature, but is simply looking for love.