by Axel Hellman
MARSHALL SCHOOL OF BUSINESS- Speaking with reporters about the matter, Junior business major Richie Fitch revealed that he did not enroll in the Marshall School of Business solely because of his passion for business administration.
“I just want to earn a lot of money once I graduate from this school,” he admitted in a moment of candor, “And I want to expand my herds of cattle.”
Cattle ownership is a source of prestige in Fitch’s native village.
“Ever since I was young, I remember looking up to the wealthy landowners, who would often marry each other’s daughters to strengthen their business relationships,” Fitch continued, “I want to be that guy driving a fast car, earning a 6-figure salary, and returning home to a harem of 5-6 nubile concubines every night.”
Even though Fitch is only 21 years old, he already commands the amount of respect usually accorded to a 35-year-old tribal chieftain.
“Oh yeah, Richie is really good at what he does,” said Lara Bushburn, one of his classmates, “Everyone can tell how successful he is. Look at the girth of his ample belly. His fatness means that he has plenty of food to eat, even in times of famine.”
She went on, “I wouldn’t be surprised if in ten years, he had a department of 20 warriors reporting to him. He could be working right alongside the shaman-in-chief.”
While Fitch is concentrated on achieving great wealth and sharing his adobe hut with half a dozen wives, he also plans on giving back to the community.
“If am lucky enough to make it in the world of business, I’d like to donate money to build a community center where kids can play, and senior citizens can gather for activities,” he explained, “I also plan on building a shrine to Kwontikitiki, goddess of fertility, where I will sacrifice a white she-goat every full moon.”