Canada Blames Olympic Hockey Losses on Lack of Wasians

By Jackson Sneeringer

MILAN, ITALY — Following an embarrassing defeat by both the USA Olympic Women’s and Men’s hockey teams in their final games, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney released the following press statement addressing the losing teams:

“This is not the Canada that I know. Why are all of you straight and white? What do Shane Hollander and Alysa Liu have in common? They won GOLD at the Olympics and they are WASIAN. We are only drafting wasians next year!”

When asked about centre player Nick Suzuki, Carney said, “He’s only a quarter Japanese, that doesn’t count.”