OPINION: I Took Every Buzzfeed Quiz, The Results Were Frightening

By: Gracie Silberman

LOS ANGELES –  2026 is the new 2016 according to my Instagram feed #noticing, but everyone is failing to mention their favorite 2016 core pastime: Buzzfeed Quizzes. Instead of paying attention in my LGBT Theater class (again, so 2016 core) I took it upon myself to take Every. Single. Buzzfeed quiz, and now my brain is a Unicorn Frappucino.

I started basic, taking “Which Breakfast Foods You Choose Determines Your Parks and Recreation Character”. After about an hour of being told that I’m so Leslie Knope due to my intense, neurotic, overbearingly positive personality I fell into a bit of an internal crisis, so I made a pivot to less character-based quizzes.

I moved on to quizzes that, based on my star sign and Harry Potter house, guessed when I was getting married, how many kids I was having, my salary, divorce, and death day. Turns out being a Pisces Hufflepuff leads to a loveless life in an old shack, but at least I get a corgi! I ended the night with quizzes sorting Hunger Games characters into Divergent factions.

Now my brain is swirling with questions. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think of anything except what soup am I? Am I more Vidcon or Coachella? What Disney princess would I be according to my favorite desserts? Will I be a llama-loving, HIMYM-watching, Tyler Oakley-coded, Avocado Toast-eating, Hufflepuff in the Apollo Cabin? What is my identity without these quizzes???

The only song I have downloaded is Closer by The Chainsmokers. Taylor Swift hasn’t been seen in a year. Gay marriage is legalized. The Try Guys are yet to have a scandal. Zooey Deschanel is on maternity leave from New Girl. And we might have our first female president! I look in the mirror. A side part. Hair dip-dyed Lavender. Fake nerd glasses. A mustache tattoo on my index finger. Skinny jeans. Infinity Scarf. Get me out of here.
I realize it’s still 2026 and I’m in my dorm staring at my new iPhone 17 mourning my Rose Gold iPhone 6s taking these quizzes. I had to run. Thankfully, I made it to Erewhon where my friends greeted me with the baggiest jeans you can find and makeup ready for the clean girl aesthetic. I have a matcha in my hand, Heated Rivalry is playing on my phone, and Addison Rae is blasting. 2026 is so back.