99 Cents Store Freaking The Fuck Out
By Charlotte Dekle
COMMERCE, CA — A local branch of the 99 Cents Only Store is in dire straits after the recent death of the penny at age 232. Given their whole business model is based around giving out pennies willy-nilly, stores around the country are feeling the heat at this change.
The atmosphere inside the store is almost apocalyptic. Shelves are almost completely empty (which must be because of the penny and not the Chapter 11 bankruptcy) and employees are disillusioned (also because of the penny and not the criminally low wages).
“The US Mint didn’t even ask for our two cents before making this catastrophic decision,” branch manager Penelope Parker said, holding a fire extinguisher, “Ironically, two cents is a full cent and a half less than it cost to make a penny.” Parker had spent the entire morning rifling through the cash register, hoping the supply would be enough to last through the winter.
Not all employees were heartbroken about the discontinuation. Some praised the decision, feeling the penny was a symbol of waste under capitalism, though the Sack couldn’t really hear the critique over the sounds of the wailing workers. Some were devastated, viewing it as cancel culture gone too far. “First they took away Columbus Day, now they’re getting rid of the coin with Lincoln’s face on it. The woke mob has done it again” store clerk Peter Pendergast added in between panicked breaths.
Other victims of the penny’s recent demise include take a penny/leave a penny schemes, pennyfarthings, Pennywise the clown, and manufacturers of those machines you can flatten pennies with in gift shops.
