Kohl’s Cash Now Stronger Than the American Dollar

By Gracie Silberman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  As inflation climbs and the ol’ reliable dollar loses its value faster than USC loses advisors, President Trump and Treasurer Brandon Beach have announced that the purchasing power of Kohl’s Cash has surpassed the United States Dollar. Every mom’s favorite form of currency is making the national stage just in time for the economic depression.

Kohl’s first noticed their economic leverage growing during back to school season in 2012 when Gangnam Style was viral and the nation thought the world was ending. Well, turns out it is, just a decade and a half later. And just like back then, consumers can spend their worries away on budget-effective sweaters and matching Christmas pajamas. After they shop till they drop, they’re welcome to hop over to JCPenney for family photos to prove no recession can tear their family apart. Trigger warning for those whose parents divorced during this time.

When asked about the announcement, Trump stated, “I’ve never been to Kohl’s. I wouldn’t know that man if I saw him in the street. Is that the transgender person who made a play about Mary Todd Lincoln? They want transgender for everyone.” 

Kohl’s spokeswoman Ellie Kemper told reporters she is excited her payment for all those commercials can finally be used outside of the retailer. She also confirmed that she was paid entirely in Kohl’s Cash for all of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt because she “thought it’s what the character would’ve wanted.”

Mothers across the nation have announced their coupon hoarding is now vindicated. Their college age children are reportedly kind of pissed that they were watching Phineas and Ferb in 2008 instead of stealing Kohl’s Cash from the kitchen drawer. 

Leading economists have told the Sack that capitalism isn’t failing, it’s just reinventing itself. Now, the top of the economic ladder belongs to Karens while the single men of Wall Street fall to the bottom. You win some, you lose some!