In Lieu of Scholarships, Vice Provost Offers Gold Star Sticker and One Toy From the Prize Chest

By Jada Leung

LOS ANGELES, CA – After gleefully spinning the Wheel of Big Fucking Budget Cuts, USC’s Vice Provost for Academic Programs decided to address concerns with a bold new initiative: Students needing additional scholarship funds to complete their degrees could receive a gold star sticker and one toy from the prize chest. Hooray!

The awarding of a gold star sticker and one toy from the prize chest to students—particularly those sexy overachievers pursuing multiple degrees—was initially introduced to tide over gifted kids who like shiny things, like a multicolor pen or Hot Wheels. Thankfully, the administration is still committed to rewarding excellence.

This is not the first time financial aid has been threatened. In 2024, USC briefly paused scholarship funding, instead allowing esteemed interdisciplinary students to seven minutes in heaven with Tommy Trojan in the Lyon showers. After backlash regarding Tommy’s funky onion breath and a minor outbreak of HPV, the funding was reinstated.

“I love my sticker and one toy,” said better-resourced senior Jason Bacon, holding an Abby Cadabby pencil topper. “Sometimes USC gives me too much money, and I almost complete my degree on time. Now, I can dedicate these years to something more important: pouring carefully portioned buckets of mayonnaise on the woke left mob.”

“They asked me to axe the prize chest, but I said no!” exclaimed Vice Provost Andrew Stott, who incidentally is paid via a red-yellow-green behavior chart. “But probably next year. Haha IDK LOL.” We were not able to obtain further comments because the recess bell rang.