Jubilee Posts “Surrounded: One Person with Gun vs. 20 Hostages”
By Charlotte Dekle
LOS ANGELES, CA — Social media giant and right-wing pipeline enthusiasts Jubilee recently posted a new edition of their series Surrounded. They brought on area man with gun John Remington to “debate” 20 people he has been holding hostage for the past week.
“My name’s John. I’m a NRA member, husband, and father, in that order. Today I’ll be debating 20 supposed hostages…and I have a gun,” Remington said, flashing a threatening grin to the camera.
The first claim presented for debate by Mr. Remington was that Hostages Deserve To Be Taken Hostage. Hostage 2 — as Remington refers to him, although he claims to be named Peter Brussel — sprinted up to the table, shoving down Hostage 4 (aka Jane Simons) and Hostage 17 (aka Franklin Parsons, please call him, Janelle!) who also tried to address the topic.
Hostage 2 gripped the table for dear life and turned to face the camera. “Please Mom. He’s keeping me at…” The address was bleeped out in the actual stream, “Please come get me. He killed Jim. Please. Please.” The fact check slide appeared, reading: “There is no proof that Mr. Remington killed Hostage 12. These hostages are basing their opinions on left wing definitions of ‘kill’ and ‘hostage.’”
“Do you have anything substantive to contribute to the discussion or are you just gonna keep being emotional? See, hostages are so irrational,” Remington responded. Two Jubilee producers — at least we think they’re Jubilee producers — entered the set to escort Hostage 2 back to his seat. He continued to wail and scream.
“Facts don’t care about your feelings,” Remington said to the man as he sat back down.
The second claim presented was Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill People. Hostage 7 (aka Mitchell Lastname) limped to the table. Remington reached out to shake Hostage 7’s hand, who meekly obliged. “Guns do kill people. You, with your gun, killed Jackson—” he yelled. “You mean Hostage 3,” Remington interrupted. “No. Jackson. If you didn’t have a gun, there would’ve been less means to kill him,” Hostage 7 replied, on the verge of tears.
All of the other hostages in the room then put up their flags, signalling the debate on that claim was over. This was likely unrelated to Remington pointing his gun at the hostages underneath the table and silently mouthing “PUT YOUR FLAGS UP I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL DO IT”. Hostage 7 limped away, defeated.
Most of the comments on the video seemed to praise Jubilee for giving a platform to these kinds of balanced discussions. “Political discourse is so important right now. We need to be able to converse non-violently,” @DefNotJohnRemington69 commented.
Jubilee has already posted their next episode: Surrounded: One Beong-Soo Kim vs. 20 Associate Professors.
