Cisgender Ally Roommate Also Not Sure How To Do Dishes

By Noelle Medina

BROOKLYN, NY – Despite having a caramel balayage and minimal espresso-brewing skills, Santa Monica native Kinsey Skate has shown solidarity with her green-haired, vertical labret-pierced roommate by owning a singular dual-sided scrub mommy sponge and leaving her dishes in the sink for five days at a time.

“Sometimes, actions speak louder than words,” said Skate. “I want Alex to feel like our little Bushwick loft is a safe space, and if that means letting the bacteria in my pot of leftover spaghetti form an alphabet community of its own, then so be it!”

Alex Steel, Skate’s aforementioned barista roommate, expressed mixed feelings about her roommate’s attempt at supportive weaponized incompetence. “Good for her for wanting a lavender marriage with Troye Sivan, but I really hate messes and mushy food in the sink grosses me out,” Steel said. “I’m just worried that if I say something, she’ll start crowdfunding with her sorority sisters to get out of her ‘toxic living situation.’”

Skate has yet to find out that, despite the constant supply of Arctic Fox hair dye in their shared bathroom and Steel’s job as a matcharista at Blank Street, her roommate is in fact just an alternative straight girl with a bleach-blond boyfriend named Joshua. “I’m sure as hell not nonbinary,” Steel said. “But judging by her refusal to touch that pile of fucking dishes in the sink, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kinsey is really just soft launching she/they pronouns.”