Rainbow Goldfish Only Four Fucking Colors

By Violet Rose Wang

LOS ANGELES, CA – Local bisexual, harlot, and mild Goldfish© fan Violet Rose Wang was devastated today to discover the alleged Rainbow Goldfish© she had gleefully bought only contained four different fucking colors of Goldfish©.

Always prideful, Wang was overjoyed to discover that Pepperidge Farm seemed to have just the product to satiate both her lust for Goldfish© and her lust for those of the same gender. Upon arriving home and opening the bag, she spilled out a couple of the crackers and began to segregate them into their own colors, because she has ADHD. That’s when she realized she was only separating them into FOUR fucking groups.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” said Wang. “Four colors? Is food coloring really that fucking expensive? You’ve got red, yellow, green, and just straight-up Goldfish© gold. Did they even fucking try? Do they give a shit about anything? Is purple still reserved for royalty or some shit?”

Upon reviewing the container in disbelief, Wang acknowledged that although the brand is actually called “Goldfish© Colors”, the packaging itself is decorated with full rainbows that imply at least SIX goddamn Goldfish© variants. SIX. She’s really not asking for much, right? RIGHT? EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD IS ALREADY SO FUCKED, THEY DON’T NEED TO FUCK HER IN THE ASS ON THIS TOO. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.

Expert Violet Rose Wang compared this misinformation to some of the most egregious false advertising cases in history, such as ads proclaiming that cigarettes will improve your lungs, that Veggie Straws are healthy, or that Tylenol will provide you autism.

At press time, Wang had switched back to Hot Cheetos, because all she knows is be bisexual, eat hot chip, and lie.