By Bill Rockas
SEATTLE, WA – Fall is here and it’s time the crematories got in on the fun! All across the nation, crematories are incorporating pumpkin spice into every urn made from early September to late November, no matter the objections of the family.
The ingenious idea sweeping the nation is all thanks to small-town cremationist, Kendra Dendley. Kendra had recently lost her grandfather and while cooking her Thanksgiving pumpkin pie, she wished that her “whole family could enjoy a meal together” so she ensured just that. Her family was not informed of her grandfather’s involvement in the dessert, but Kendra’s mother stated that she “felt his presence during the meal.” Kendra’s story has granted her major brand deals, including a commercial set to Queen’s chart-topping hit “Another One Bites The Dust”.
This new blend can be used for so much more than the kitchen! Kendra encourages people to have fun with their seasonal urn, because as her slogan states, “from dust we came and from dust with seasoning we shall return!” Some have taken to spreading the ashes into the air for both sentiment and fragrance. Others dilute the painful memories of abusive loved ones with the promise of a very Starbucks autumn.
In some circles the custom has become competitive. Starbucks has kicked off their “Post Mortem and Taste ‘em Challenge” encouraging social media users to discard the ashes of their ancestors and fill the urn with purely pumpkin spice. The most impressive feat of consumerism will be rewarded with a snazzy $5 gift card, and a universal recognition of their trendiness. Because although people die, temporary promotional deals will last forever.