Hundreds Gather for National Agoraphobia Convention

By Kira Wallace

ALAKANUK, AK — After decades of organizers dodging each other’s calls, the National Agoraphobia Support Association (NASA) hosted its second centennial convention on Wednesday morning. “Our goal was to avoid the usual rush hour traffic out of Juneau,” explained NASA President Emily Henrison. “We really wanted to make this event accessible to as many agoraphobes as possible, without making it too accessible for the hordes of highly motivated social butterflies and die-hard Fight Club fans who like to frequent these events.”

Since the pandemic, agoraphobia rates skyrocketed — particularly among Bo Burnham fans who had never heard the term before reading the genius.com transcript of Inside. Approximately 2% of Americans suffer from agoraphobia, a population that has almost no overlap with the 49.8% of Americans for whom an agoraphobia diagnosis would have been beneficial to society last election cycle. 

While some activities, particularly the silent cocktail hour and much anticipated game of Hide-n-Freeze, received rave reviews, many of the Convention’s keynote Zoom calls were given in front of woefully packed audiences. With over 400 attendees, NASA has drawn heavy criticism from its competitor, the Social Anxiety National Alliance (SANA). In an official press release, SANA wrote: “NASA has once again failed on their mission to make space for all. Here at SANA, we pride ourselves on inclusivity for those with social anxiety, which is why our inaugural SANA Convention will be capped at 8 participants.” 
In an effort to promote inclusivity, SANA Convention tickets will be distributed via lottery at the organization’s upcoming screening of A Quiet Place in Times Square. Thousands are expected to attend.