Frat Announces New York Philharmonic as Next Big Headliner

By Gabby Frugoni

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sigma Chi Fraternity has announced that the New York Philharmonic will be performing at their next register after other fraternities saw an uptick in party attendance by hiring popular musicians and DJs to play at their parties. First Diplo, then Loud Luxury, and most recently Soulja Boy, these big-name artists have driven people who would normally pass on fraternity parties to these events, and Sigma Chi is ready to get in on the action.

“I really hope they play ‘Leonard Bernstein’s Adagio for Strings, Op. 11’!” said one brother of Sigma Chi when asked about the upcoming function. It seems that the fraternity brothers are also preparing for a large female attendance as another brother noted that “the huzz love Bach’s ‘Concerto for 2 Violins in D Minor.’”

When asked whether or not such fraternities are paying such big artists for their performances, the President and CEO of the New York Philharmonic Matías Tarnopolsky assured us that they are “being generously compensated in Kirkland Seltzers and Zyns.” Tarnopolsky said that the team is “thrilled to perform for such a respectful and gentlemanly group of men” and that he is most excited for their rendition of “FE!N” by Travis Scott played entirely on the oboe.