Dick Wolf Drama Center Renamed to Dog Penis BFA Rehab

By Margaret Danenhauer 

LOS ANGELES, CA — Less than a year after USC’s School of Dramatic Arts named their new building after Dick Wolf, school leadership has announced that they’re changing the name – and approach.

“While Dick Wolf might be an influential dramatic figure – and a major donor – we just find his name too boring to grace one of our buildings,” said SDA Dean Emily Roxworthy. “In keeping with the brutal, unflinching philosophies of theatrical practitioners like Antonin Artaud and Jerzy Grotowski, we’ve elected to name the building something more classy, like ‘Dog Penis’.”

Additionally, the school is reworking Dog Penis’s purpose from a center for drama to a center for healing. Now, the building will serve as a rehabilitation facility for those affected by BFA, a deadly disease often transmitted through Fosse and narcissistic personality disorder. 

“We have a lot of students who make the unfortunate life choice of paying $400,000 to become a deluded Aaron Sorkin sycophant with overconfidence in their high belt and need on-call care for the rest of their lives,” Roxworthy explained. “Our staff will help them develop important life skills like a personality outside of playing Elle Woods in high school, the ability to confront their abusive Advanced Movement teacher, and most importantly, getting their toes back to normal.”

“While BFA might be terminal, hope is eternal,” Roxworthy declared, brushing aside a tear. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go force 10,000 high school students through 50 rounds of auditions to gain the privilege of never being employed again because I’m bored.”