CIA Injects Lab Grown Evil Lesbians into Dating Pool in Attempt to Drive Messy She/They Bisexuals to Republicanism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rapp rapp. A knuckle taps on the glass, not yearning for freedom, but for chaos – the CIA’s lab grown evil lesbians are ready to descend upon America. Hold your bisexual friends close.

Agent Charles Matheu didn’t plan to go into sapphic psyoping – when he was a young student at the Marshall School of Business, he dreamed of destabilizing democratic governments in the global south and convincing Discord users to commit acts of mass terror. That all changed last fall.

“It started with operation ‘Lesbian vs. Bisexual discourse’, which has single handedly destroyed more lesbian marriages than Kristen Stewart and Vermont weather combined,” he revealed. “That’s when I knew we had to take it offline. We had to start genetically engineering evil lesbians, planting them on Tinder, and wait for things to get uglier than Nancy Mace.”

The DNA of these lab rats was pulled from a variety of sources, including your freshman year situationship, hair found on the floor of a Reneé Rapp concert, and Hitler from the dimension where she’s futchy. 

“A common misconception about our work is that all the evil lesbians are masc,” Matheu told The Sack. “Not true! Our frankenlezzs emulate a variety of gender expressions and identities, religions, economic backgrounds, etc. They are all white though.”