Big Beautiful Bill Requires Everyone on Medicaid to Just, Like, Figure it Out
By Charlotte Dekle
WASHINGTON, DC — After multiple days of not so careful deliberation, congressional ass grabs, and strongly worded letters from top Democrats, President and Supreme Leader of the World Donald Trump‘s expansive domestic agenda was signed into law.
One of the most crushing blows in the bill, or sickest burns depending on who you ask, includes a small cut of $1 trillion to Medicaid, which 71 million Americans depend on for healthcare.
An official statement released by the Trump administration noted that “families who rely on Medicaid will just have to, like, figure it out. We’ve all had to tighten our belts and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps to make ends meet. President Trump, for instance, had to mortgage his second wife to pay for the Big Beautiful Boat he wants.”
Some voters are praising the bill for finally removing those pesky freeloaders abusing the system to get unnecessary things like insulin. “We already ration our insulin as is. Any more cuts to Medicaid means my children will need to have their feet amputated. But at least Jeff Bezos will get another tax break. He deserves it!” says Mary Sullivan of North Carolina.
Many doctors in rural areas are worried about the massive hospital closures that this bill could trigger. “My hospital is the only one in 100 miles. If there’s a medical emergency, we’re people’s only hope. But hey, at least we can renovate the space station.” says Dr. Shayna Miller.
Congressional Republican lawmakers have nearly universally cheered for the bill’s passage. “This bill delivers on the number one promise of the new Trump regime, sorry, administration, owning the libs” said House Speaker Mike Johnson.
