By Levi Elias
SUNNYVALE, CA — A study conducted by USC Marshall’s Department of Research and Employment Analytics determined that a student’s future salary is directly correlated with the quantity of posts on their LinkedIn profile during these formative college years.
Consistency in posting is vital to one day becoming a hundred thousandaire, according to research head, Professor Cordon Bleu (intended to be confused with actor Corbin Bleu). “Everyone needs to know the updates in your career status whenever possible, especially when nothing new has happened. Repost a video of Bill Gates talking about renewable fecal energy, your reflection on the unforgettable networking experience of paying to see Bob Iger from 400 feet away or a statement by JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon on their new and improved sexual harassment policy complete with a list of terms you can’t use to describe your secretaries posterior. Your connections wanna see what you have to say. Hell, they’re absolutely obsessed with you.”
“By expressing your immense gratitude for your minimum wage internship with a multi-paragraph manifesto that tags every person at the company that you met or heard the name of, you ensure an easy six figures out of college,” said Cordon Bleu. “If I don’t see a ‘see more’ at the end of that post, it’s time to pick which hand you flip burgers with. L-O-L, poor people, amirite?”.
One stellar example of a future millionaire is Business Administration major and applied analytics minor, Jasmine Rice. The 500+ connections on Rice’s account shows that she knows how to click the ‘connect’ button, and that she clicks it god damn well. That takes real initiative! Every “Congrats! You deserve this!” comment raises her annual income by $1,053, her socioeconomic status by 39 people, and her raw power by the equivalent of 447 flamin’ hot chili peppers.
To any senior whose Linkedin says they’re a rising sophomore and the buffoons who’ve been a ‘freelance cinematographer’ since they were 14, I hope you like your roommates. You’ll be living with them for a while. (Cause you’re gonna be broke. The joke is being explained because you only have 113 connections, you idiotic single-brain-celled waste of oxygen.)