By Levi Elias
NEW YORK CITY, NY — This past week, the United Nations Council on Nuclear Domination and World Peace amended their list of weapons of mass destruction to include the notoriously fatal UNOTM reverse card.
Though originally a harmless card in a colorful strategy game, the council determined that the UNOTM reverse card’s power has escalated to measures beyond calculable metrics. Middle schooler Mick McMick is one of many victims of the card’s atrocious anti-humanitarian rampage“I saw a Mento on the blacktop, so I dared my friend Fat Craig to lick it. But then he pulled out an UNOTM reverse card from his pocket. It was all so fast. Next thing I knew, my head was on the ground and a hairy Mento was in my mouth.” McMick never recovered from the trauma of that day and he never will. “I foresee the green hue of the card will haunt my spirit for the rest of time,” he shuddered as he stood without blinking for an uncomfortably long time.
After hearing of McMick’s tragic tale, a ragtag crew of Republican Congressmen desired to harness the raw power of the UNOTM reverse card for themselves. Now, they terrorize the House floor with the card and flash it immediately after anyone is nominated for House Speaker. Thus far, they’ve made three adult congressmen cry in public, two collapse into the fetal position, and one poor little Steve Scalise wet himself on national television.
When questioned on why he wakes up and chooses violence, Pennsylvania Representative Mike Kelly responded “chaos will rise once more.” He and the other UNOTM reverse card-wielding representatives then put all their cards together while chanting in an ancient latin-based tongue, summoning a Lovecraftian monster that arose from the depths of hell to reign fire upon Capitol Hill.
Following the UN amendment, 13 of the 50 largest cities in the world have fallen to horrific tragedies caused by UNOTM reverse cards. In light of the dire circumstances, Mattel chose to do what they always do whenever one of their products causes damages to the human psyche beyond reprehensibility that inevitably have physicalized consequences: they greenlit a fantasy realist movie with a fun feminist spin. UNOT(HE) M(OVIE): coming to a theater near you April 2024!