“Not To Be Mean,” Girl Prefaces Before Saying The Most Insidiously Hateful Thing You’ve Ever Heard

By Megan Dang

LOS ANGELES, CA — Local college senior Paulina Mayer wants everyone to know that she’s totally not mean, which might be a valid disclaimer if she didn’t consistently follow it up with the most vile, heinous comments ever uttered by mankind. 

On Saturday, Mayer was engaged in a conversation with “her girls”, which is what she calls her rising league of archvillains who congregate every weekend to eat avocado toast with “Everything But The Bagel” seasoning while saying “Everything But The Slurs”. During their hot goss sesh, a certain classmate’s name came up (in order to protect the student’s feelings, Brandon Thomas Stoll’s name will not be published in this article) and Mayer’s eyes lit up with the hellish wrath of Satan himself. 

“Okay, not to be mean,” she preceded. “But with those beady Stuart Little eyes and that Quasimodo chin, either he’s got fetal alcohol syndrome or he’s straight-up inbred. And he always smells like a flaccid dick wrapped in month-old salami. This is exactly why I hate poor people! If I was his dad, I would’ve killed myself, too.”

Mayer’s Instagram bio proclaims that she is “a lover, not a fighter”, but she frequently proves that there is nothing she loves more than spreading cruelty and hatred to the people of the world. Even her sociopathic friends thought this one went a little far. Sensing this, Mayer frantically attempted to backpedal. “But like, I’m not trying to talk shit. I hate drama. You guys know I hate drama! I just think that he’s a [REDACTED FOR HATE SPEECH AND FOUL LANGUAGE].”