Puppeteers in High Demand Now That Politicians Can’t Work Their Own Bodies

by Aidan Driscoll

Washington, D.C. – After recent bodily malfunctions of a number of high-ranking politicians, many in government are now hiring puppeteers to work the bodies of America’s top lawmakers. 

Prior to this, empty talking points were locked behind a wall of dementia and decaying motor skills. 

A political analyst from Bloomberg told Sack of Troy that Senator Diane Feinstein appeared to be in her “buffering era” during a July committee vote, and my buddy Ben observed that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell looked like “one of those fucked up McDonald’s chickens” when he froze up at a recent press conference. With the high risk of a world leader going out to pasture in the middle of a global summit, puppeteers were more than happy to step in. 

“Relevant issues, iconic characters, and the world as a stage! It’s like Brecht, but for DC Twitter,” said puppeteer Cameron Glonk. “AKA any performer’s dream!” When asked about why we don’t just elect officials with functioning brains and bodies, Glonk replied that he does not vote and would rather not discuss politics.

“It’s not as big a transition as you’d think, going from children’s entertainment to the world of politics,” said puppeteer Vanessa Kachunk in an interview. “Just like how silly animal sounds and the occasional fart joke keep five year olds engaged, journalists go gaga for silly little policy proposals that go nowhere and a sprinkle of slander. I’ve found both groups like loud noises.” 

Motioning to her political puppet, the 90-year-old husk of Senator Charles Grassley, Kachunk elaborated. “Most of the politicians themselves don’t know the difference between a rattle and their trust-fund son’s bottle of coke. And while my speeches written by Christian Coalition lobbyists are less whimsical than, say, my performances of traditional puppet shows like Punch and Judy, they’re usually just as racist.” She noted the major change was shifting to a national audience. “You don’t notice it at first, but when I saw potential shooters clamoring about the culture wars online, I was reminded of the real affects my art can have on this new platform.” She smiled at Grassley, who quietly coughed up a little blood.

Despite the improvements, many point to the overwhelming number of political puppeteers sourced by agencies owned by the same six puppetry conglomerates, all of which BlackRock and Vanguard investment groups are major stakeholders. When the Sack emailed one puppetry conglomerate about the dangers of such a limited pool, they replied that their CEO’s puppeteer had just suffered a mild stroke and as such they could not get back to us for at least three to six months.