By Finn Rollings
Washington D.C. – In a recent White House Press briefing, President Biden erroneously congratulated a partnership between Ben & Jerry’s and Congress on their new flavor dubbed “Im-Peach-ment Inquiry.” It appears Biden, leader of the free world and icy-confectionary enthusiast, is under the impression that Republican efforts to oust him from office are nothing but 16 ounces of chilled, sugary goodness.
Unfortunately for his administration, this is not the first time Biden has obscured politics through the milky film of soft serve. In 2009, Biden proudly announced a Ben and Jerry’s partnership with President Obama and then Speaker John Boehner, on a flavor he called “Neopolitician.” Biden is also reportedly thrilled about his inclusion in the Ben & Jerry’s brand. According to inside sources, Biden frequently entered “jealous fits of rage” over “The Tonight Dough” and “Cherry Garcia” screaming that he’s “more relevant than Fallon and The Grateful Dead combined.” When pressed on who those people were, the President calmly responded, “the fat cats with the guitars and the little elf boy with the desk and notecards.”
In a daring move, Republican Speaker Kevin McCarthy has used this opportunity to spin Biden as a “flip-flopping centrist,” criticizing the President for abandoning his previous diplomatic ties to “Chocolate-Chocolate Chip.” McCarthy harped, “If our President is so quick to shirk Chocolate for Peach, how can we ever expect him to remain loyal to our allies overseas? How is the UN any different from Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors?”
Biden further shared that he was “honored” to finally have his own flavor saying, “I don’t exactly get the name, but I’m just happy havin’ a sweet treat all to myself. It reminds me of…” The President then entered a thirty-minute long story regarding an ice cream “mom and pop shop” in Scranton that we have mercifully omitted for your reading leisure.
Ben & Jerry’s declined an interview, sharing merely, “the President’s verbal misstep is a grave insult to our dedicated and historied pun department.”