By Bill Rockas
EVERYWHERE, SEEMINGLY – The country is in disarray! The entirety of Gen Z just DID something you, as well as your highly esteemed, level-headed peers, know to be very bad, dumb, and stupid.
There was once a time when Gen Z was purely innocuous. You remember? Seconds ago, they were in high chairs smearing spaghetti on their cute, squishy faces. Now they’re older and do things you don’t like! So what changed? Well, I’ll tell you. First off, they’ve allied themselves with their parents, who are members of another generation you actively loathe and disagree with on every moral level. They’ve spoiled Gen Z rotten by verbalizing their love and not routinely beating them senselessly with a brandished leather belt. I know it’s part of “gentle parenting” but, uh… coddled much?
Second off, I hate them.
Even your biased friends agree with you! When asked about what Gen Z has done to deserve your dislikening, your 83-year-old bestie Ethel Ribblebob spouteds “Pfft! What haven’t they done? With their politics and-and they’re always destroying industries like-like those poor gramophone companies -just… I’m just too mad to nail it all down!” Well said, Ethel! You really put an original spin on that Facebook post you saw.
It’s simply unnatural for people to continue being born. It has to stop at some point. You and your buddies were really the pinnacle of humanity. Remember when you guys called it “soda pop”? That was fun AND adorable. Gen Z doesn’t get that, but the Sack of Troy does. Please invest the entirety of your remaining retirement funds in us as we will be writing articles to continue affirming your beliefs. Next up, “Top 7 Young Vixens Who Need More Clothes, Dammit” as we begin our crusade on ripped jeans!