By Bill Rockas
CHICAGO, IL – The famed domestic terrorist known as the Unabomber was found dead in his prison cell early Saturday. After placing him in a coffin of his own design, witnesses have reported an odd ticking noise playing inside it.
Mr. Kaczynski’s funeral arrangements were created by him and will be carried out according to his dying wishes. In attendance, he invited “the pigs, the phonies, slimy politicians, my English grade school teachers, and my traitorous family.” He will have a closed, then open casket funeral with a great, unspecified surprise.
However, police advise the ceremony cannot begin before the ticking noise is resolved in front of a large crowd covered in gasoline.