By Jackson Irvine
YOUR LOCAL CHILI’S, USA — This year, Chili’s announced it was going to celebrate Cinco De Mayo with a brand new menu special. However, customers soon found out it was simply five bowls of mayonnaise.
“We have so many bowls and an abundance of mayonnaise, it just made sense,” said Chili’s CEO Kevin Hochman, a man who can only be described as a bowl of mayonnaise in a Men’s Warehouse suit. “Mayonnaise just has that extra kick that our customers love. Now, imagine five, hot heaping bowls of the stuff. And we promise we will have a mild version!” Without skipping a beat, Hochman barfed the five bowls of mayonnaise he’d been eating like ice cream all over himself, eyes watering and nose dripping with snot. “Best holiday of the year!”