Tucker Carlson, Don Lemon Resign to Preserve Illicit Whirlwind Romance

By Jackson Parker

NEW YORK, NY – In a statement released on Monday, Fox’s Tucker Carlson and CNN’s Don Lemon respectively announced they stepped down from their studios to maintain their passionate affair. Prioritizing their tender love over lucrative careers, the anchors were spotted canoodling at Tavern on the Green brunch and pondering what they’d left behind… but also daydreaming about their future together. 

“The naysayers are as fake as Dominion voting systems, Don,” whispered Carlson into Lemon’s ear as he sipped at his mimosa and batted his eyelashes. “Our careers may not have lasted, but we’re on a new network… the network of love.”  Sources say they met at a Biden rally in 2020 and bonded over their mutual hatred of Trump. “How else do you think snookums and I get each other riled up?” Lemon added while planting a forehead kiss on Carlson and giving him head scratches.