5 Affirmations to Comfort Yourself after Getting Dumped
By Lili Adkins
LOS ANGELES, CA –– You’ve been dumped, and it feels horrible. But you’ve been working on moving on: you’ve already cried until you threw up, paid for Tinder Gold, and cut baby bangs… so why do you still feel down? Don’t worry, all you need is a little self-encouargement throughout the day, and you’ll be over him in no time. Here’s a quick list of affirmations to remember when you start missing your ex, and the way he did the bare minimum in such a special way.
- He probably never cared about me at all.
In true Freudian defense mechanism methodology, it’s always a good idea to deny your relationship ever had any meaning or that your partner ever felt real emotions towards you at all. Now that the relationship is over, it’s time to accept that you ARE delusional, just like he always used to call you when you accused him of using you for your Costco membership! He never saw you as anything more than a homie who would buy him Pub Mix and let him hit. Take a page out of your ex’s playbook and try gaslighting yourself!
- He is literally a man who wears khakis.
If you ever start romanticizing memories of your ex, it is essential that you give yourself a reality check. You are wasting your energy on a man who literally chooses to wear khaki shorts every single day…with cheap flip flops…in winter. Next time you catch yourself daydreaming about his charming smile, remember that atrocious tan color and 11-inch inseam that would make your Dad jealous––you’ll snap out of it in no time.
- I can finally get with his hot friend.
Now that you guys have broken up, you can finally admit it: his roommate was hot. Like, hot enough to be in rebound consideration. Yeah, it’s pretty messed up, but you’re filled in on all the friend group tea, so the transition should be easy enough. You already have so much in common! He complains that your ex never does the dishes and you also despise his moral backbone (or, more accurately, his lack thereof). Plus, remember that one time you all got dinner together, and you guys made steamy eye contact while your ex mansplained basic feminism in the background, and he stared at you a just a tad too long when your ex needed a bathroom break? He’s totally into you. Go get that.
- I can now fulfill my 10 step plan of being a crazy ex.
Look, we know you’re crazy. You know you’re crazy. Why run away from your destiny? Since the breakup, you’ve been contemplating the initiation of Operation Misandry, the 10-step-crazy-ex-plan you formulated months ago, just in case. And now, it’s time to set it into motion:
Step 1: Start with a classic! Slash the tires of his shitty car––only three though, so his insurance won’t cover it. Make sure to call his provider from a burner phone to double check their policy!
Step 2: Sign him up for numerous Mormon newsletters. He’s probably feeling lonely without you, and the missionaries will give him plenty of company and lifelong commitment once they have his phone number, email, and personal address.
Step 3: Destroy his future wedding by sending an invitation to the adult actor that triggered his porn addiction. Ultimately, you’re doing him a service––he won’t be able to get it up on the wedding night without her!
And the list goes on and on. Is he worth the time and effort? Definitely not. Yet, being a little insane can be empowering and emotionally rewarding after getting your heart smashed. It’s modern feminism! He always loved to call you crazy, so why not live up to your title?
- I deserve someone who WILL wear my blood in a tiny vial around his neck.
Your ex always had an excuse why he wouldn’t wear that tiny vial of blood that you prepared especially for him: it was too “weird and culty,” too “unsanitary,” or too “dangerous” because of your “Hepatitis C.” Whatever his reasoning, remind yourself that you deserve a partner who is metal and who cherishes you for your metalness. You will find someone who really makes you feel special: someone who doesn’t ask where the blood came from, someone who gives you a pint of their blood in return, someone who isn’t even afraid to take a little sip from the vial when they miss you, and, most importantly, someone who is willing to overlook your blood-borne diseases.