Señor Tim Kaine Endorses Biden In Attempt To Win Latino Vote

By Emily Torp

WASHINGTON, DC — Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden secured a crucial endorsement from a key figure in the Latino community: Virginia Señator Tim Kaine. He made headlines in 2016 as Clinton’s suburban Dad, overly cheerful, and for some reason “spanish-speaking” VP pick. Now, he’s celebrating Hispanic heritage month with fellow white, self-identifying POC Senator Elizabeth Warren by endorsing Biden for President.

“Florida estar muy importante this year,” said Señor Kaine. “I feel I can motivate those Latinx citizens who didn’t vote in 2016 to show up for Biden in this election. Vamonos to the polls!” 

“No, he can’t,” responds Marco DeSantis, president of the Florida Latino caucus. “Literally not a single person in the state of Florida knows who that white man is. Now, Eva Longoria, she could have a real impact.”

Kaine’s appeal to the Latinx community comes after both Robert Francis (Beto) O’Rourke and Amy Klobuchar have made pitches of their own. “Me gusta votar mucho. É Tú? E, dónde está la biblioteca?” asks Beto. Elena Klobuchar, as she requested to be called in the special edition of Spanish 101, “Spanish for Senators” class, “Quién é mejor? El Trumpo o Señor Biden? Yo pienso que obviamente é Biden.” She received an “A” for grammar, but a “C-” for condescension. 

Busy with the early voting happening in his home state of Virginia, Kaine is regrettably unable to campaign in Florida with the Biden team, who have yet to invite him. “We’re trying to distance ourselves from Hillary and who every her VP pick was. Jim Baine maybe?” Says Sarah Dwyer, top Biden advisor.

Kaine, struggling to conjugate the verb into the imperative tense, has one ultimate message for Latino voters, “Si se puede! Votar! Por Favor!” 

Yo soy Tim Kaine, and I approve this message.