Good Cousins Not at Thanksgiving This Year

By Charlotte Phillipp

LOS ANGELES, CA — An exciting Thanksgiving afternoon for local siblings Julia and Luke Thompson was quickly sullied, as they soon realized that the good cousins would not be in attendance. 

Hosted by their Aunt Kathy and Uncle Joe, this Thanksgiving celebration was set to be the biggest feast of the year with all 17 Thompson cousins and 12 aunts and uncles making an appearance. Julia was particularly excited for the visits from her cool cousins Charlie Thompson, 28, and Lizzy Thompson, 30, both of them visiting from Chicago, IL. Unfortunately, after only 15 minutes of being at this family party, the news broke that the two would not be able to make it.

“Oh my god, this sucks. Who else am I gonna talk to?” Julia said upon hearing from her mother  that the two cousins had decided to remain in Chicago for the holidays. 

“They’re the only ones that will talk to me about theater. Who else here is gonna care that we can’t do Rent in the spring! No one else gets it,” she reported.

According to his mother, Luke was particularly excited about the visit from his cousin Benny Thompson, 20. 

“This is so stupid. What’s the point of even coming if Uncle Jack and Aunt Maggie aren’t bringing Benny,” Luke said.

Sources at Thanksgiving last year reported seeing Benny listening patiently to Luke as he described the entire plot of Superbad in detail, despite the film coming out 11 years prior to this event.

“Ugh, it’s gonna be miserable,” Julia said again to her mother after an hour of being at her aunt and uncle’s house. “The little kids aren’t even coming for me to babysit. What am I supposed to do all day? Listen to Grandpa talk about how much he hates all the Democratic presidential candidates besides Tom Steyer? No thank you.”

Inside sources have stated that Julia and Luke’s parents found their children’s behavior so annoying that the four of them will also not be attending next year. Said their mother, “I’m done with this. They wanna sulk around and embarrass me all day? Fine. We’re having takeout next year and staying home. We’ll see how they like that.”