by Christine Politte
LOS ANGELES, CA — The fourth floor of Fluor Tower was rocked Saturday by the appearance of the first genuinely thoughtful message ever written on the whiteboard in front of Suite 416. The message, “Love you guys! Have a great day — Jessica,” was a shocking departure from the traditional nasty comments left by the suitemates.
“I didn’t think anybody I know would be capable of writing something like that,” noted Morgan Kennedy, the owner of the whiteboard and one of the message’s intended recipients. “Usually I just tell Jessica and Jordan to shove their heads in an oven, but this message was so nice. It’s too much to process,” she cried before becoming too overwhelmed with emotion to speak.
Although the perpetrator of the message, sophomore Jessica Cramer, insists she meant no harm, her suitemates went into severe shock upon encountering the alarmingly cheerful note.
“Morgan bought the whiteboard so we could write cheeky sayings and have our sorority sisters sign it to make us look popular,” said Kennedy’s roommate Jordan Hopkins. “I didn’t know it was even possible to use it for something so…positive.”
Fortunately, by noon on Sunday the message was replaced by inane inside jokes, crude, anatomically-inaccurate penis drawings and classic old-timey racist phrases, placing the residents’ minds at ease.