Taylor Swift Debuts Biggest Backpack You’ve Ever Seen

By Gracie Silberman

NEW YORK CITY–  This Sunday, pop sensation Taylor Swift was seen with her posse of Haim sisters once again making her way to some chic New York dinner bar with a potential new trend: The biggest JanSport galaxy backpack you have ever seen.

The 5’11” diva was not taken down by a backpack half her size. Instead, she lugged that thing like she was backpacking through the Alps. Travis Kelce’s stupid little man purse looked idiotic in comparison to this new wave fashion statement. 

Swifties have gone nuts over this craze; JanSport has reported their online traffic has grown 500%. CEO of JanSport, Steve Munn, said “No one was buying backpacks. Especially not huge ones. Baggu was all the rage, even Tilly’s was thinking of pulling out of our deal. And then Mother Swift, savior of the backpacks, came and kept us afloat. Now I know what it must’ve felt like to be in a food bank when the Eras Tour passed through my city.”

Journalists, girls, and gays have been taking to Twitter and Instagram to speculate what could possibly be inside of the ginormous backpack. Fans argue between Sarah J. Mass books, cats, pounds of red lipstick, old love letters from her exes, vials of hexes against Kanye and Kim, Charli XCX’s cocaine, or Travis Kelce’s wood. Most likely, it is a seventeenth deluxe version of her newest single Opalite: the sparkling-spring witchy-bug version!

Other celebrities known for sporting large purses have also commented. When asked about her Birkin, Cynthia Erivo told reporters, “I always come prepared.” Swift’s publicist, Tree Paine, explained, “She’s been carrying the music industry on her back for so long, she needed something to put it in.”