USC Dutch Bros Does Not Pass Bechdel Test

By Violet Rose Wang

LOS ANGELES, CA – Feminism lost again this weekend when Sack investigative reporters discovered that the newly opened USC Dutch Bros does not, in fact, pass the Bechdel test.

As any performative man can explain to your feeble brain, the Bechdel test is a checklist to determine if something is woke enough to consume. It’s simple: There must be two women, they must be named, and they must speak to each other about something other than a man. Famously, many esteemed pieces of media do not pass the Bechdel test, like Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Minecraft Movie, and Sonic the Hedgehog 3. Be better, gamers.

The Sack of Troy sent two of the most feminist men we knew to study if the local Dutch Bros could pass the test and be approved for liberals to enjoy. However, upon arrival, reporters Jackson Parker (no relation) and Beong-Soo Kim (yes relation) were shocked by the lack of representation.

“There were almost no women in sight,” Parker sighed. “Believe me, I would’ve known. When I see a female, I go ‘AWOOGA!’ Respectfully, of course.” Kim agreed solemnly. “I didn’t even spot a single multiracial friend group getting coffee together.”

When asked for a response, barista Starr Bux replied, “We’re literally all women. We just have short hair. We tried to tell your reporters, but they said they refused to be mansplained to.”

At press time, Dutch Bros has gone out of business due to lack of nonbinary.