USC to Pair ChatGPT Subscription With Free Oxycontin Voucher

By Margaret Danenhauer

LOS ANGELES, CA — Students at USC today were informed that the school would start providing them with free oxycontin in early 2026 as part of the new Enterprise Opioids program. Customers – I mean, students – can visit the Office of Early Dependency Preparation to see which titrations, dosages, and fun five colors the drug 2 times stronger than morphine will be available in. 

In response to criticism over the drug’s addictiveness, Interim President Kim said that “in five years, everyone will be addicted to oxycontin” and that it’s a question of “adapt or die.” He compared it to another controversial technology, ChatGPT. “Everyone knows that ChatGPT used as prescribed by a professor carries no risk of addiction. The only people who become dependent or pseudo-dependent on it are criminals, all of whom have histories of using other addictive softwares like Gmail.”

However, some faculty disagree that the drug will be helpful to students. “It provides powerful, temporary relief the first time – but from then on, you can’t function without it, students already can’t write a single discussion post without using Oxy.”

Students who may be having non-ideal reactions to the free Oxy can talk to OxyGPT, a helpful chatbot who can tell you that “you’re possible dependence to Oxycontin is not just a moral failing – it’s also completely your fault” and “these insights shed light on the invaluable work USC is doing to delve into this groundbreaking endeavor, underscoring their crucial expertise.”

When asked if he has any concerns about selling students’ health and career futures to create dependent forever customers for Big Pharma, Kim released the following statement: “Nah.”