Beong-Soo Kim Junior Named New President of USC

By Margaret Danenhauer

LOS ANGELES, CA — Immediately after announcing that USC is now taking laws regarding legacy admissions set out by the state of California as more of a loose suggestion, Interim President Kim followed up by finally announcing the next USC President – his four year old son, Beong-Soo Kim Jr.

“He said to me last week, ‘goo goo ga ga,’ and that’s when I knew he was the only choice,” Kim told the Sack. 

Plans for student protests against the decision were immediately halted after undergrads learned of Kim Jr.’s plans to replace all the food at EVK with animal crackers.

“Say what you will about him, but the baby has some good ideas,” said USC College Republicans. “Especially the one about bringing stop and frisk to campus, even though he just wants to use it to see if students have any games on their phones.”