Graduating Theater Major Worried He Will Contribute Too Much To Workforce

By Phineas Kelly

LOS ANGELES, CA — As USC prepares to launch a new class of graduating seniors into the sinking ship of the US economy, Theater major Sam Fankman-Bried is worried that he will end up contributing too much to the workforce, sources say.

“It just really worries me,” Sam told reporters Friday. “Look, I know I’m lucky. I know not everyone is entering their post-grad life with as much security and reliability as I am. But is it really fair that I contribute to the workforce way more than everyone else?” Sam went on to discuss the high-paying jobs of early actors, like mailrooms and teaching improv, as well as the affordability of living and working in Los Angeles as a creative. 

Fankman-Bried told reporters that he was initially admitted to USC as a Business and Pre-med double major, but switched to Theater once he realized the limited job prospects of those fields. “I mean, as a kid you’re told you can do anything. You have this wild idea of ‘I’m gonna go to college and follow my dream of being a radiologist-slash-commodities-trader,’ but the moment you get there, reality sets in: what am I really gonna do with a combo-MBA-PhD? Work at an Arco? I just had to pick something a little more realistic.”

He concluded the interview by offering advice to his fellow theater graduates: “A lot of us Theater BA’s are gonna be tempted to complain about all the pilots we have to film, or the limited series we have to write for AMC+, or the Elle Magazine shoots we have to fly to Milan for, but we have to remember that there are a lot of people who don’t have the same opportunities we have. We need to practice gratitude and acknowledge that no one is going to understand our kinds of problems; it’s just us and Communications majors.”

Sam Fankman-Bried has been selected to write, direct, and act in an upcoming collaboration between Marvel and A24, facilitated by the fact that his parents are John Marvel and Lisa Atwentyfour.