Local Man in Open Relationship Surprisingly Gets Laid More than Wife

By Scott Altsuler

ST. LOUIS, MO – After eight years of marriage, high school sweethearts Nick and Lena Freeman have definitively and maturely decided to let each other have multiple sexual partners. But much to the Freeman woman’s chagrin, the marriage is seemingly more open for the Freeman free man.

“Honestly, I just didn’t think other people would find Nick hot,” Lena clarifies. “The whole reason we made our marriage open was because I’m not attracted to him anymore.” Lena went on to illustrate how she attracted dozens of men before she and Nick established an open relationship. “It’s like I had a golden era after marrying Nick, but now that I can pursue other options guilt-free,, I’m not getting squat!”

When reached for his side of the story, Nick expressed his thought process. “I assumed nobody would want me since Lena is the only person I’ve had sex with. Ever.” Further analyzing the trajectory of his healthy relationship, Nick concluded, “I guess Lena was wrong that ‘nobody could ever love me’ or ‘anybody else would’ve grabbed our Yorkshire Terrier and run by now.’ Also, now that I’ve been exploring, I realize Lena’s really bad in bed.” Nick continued to describe how, compared to his recent partners, Lena was a “missionary pillow princess who needs to actually move.”

Lena elaborates further on her confusion, citing the common reacher/settler dynamic: “Look, the woman is usually always the hot one!” she pointed out while turning bright-red with popping veins “But this is all wrong! I go to a bar and nobody pays me any attention, but my husband goes to the same bar and every guy in sight asks for his number!”