Spring Break-Up? Future Ex Boyfriend Looks Weird In Shorts
By Jada Leung
LOS ANGELES – College students have shed amounts of clothing amidst this week’s heat wave, and future hot single Cassidy Cannoli has revealed that she is preparing to break up with her boyfriend after finally seeing him in shorts.
“I’ve just never seen weird, pale shins like that,” Cannoli told journalists over the Discord call, midway through unpacking from her Cabo trip. “His knobby knees look like baby faces in the natural sun. And the proportions of the outfit… it’s just uncanny. He looks like a freeway sign. Very un-Italian. How can I be seen walking alongside those porcelain legs?”
Future ex boyfriend Johnny Justin was reportedly unaware of a shift in Cannoli’s commitment. Blissfully enjoying his present current-boyfriend status, he seemed invested only in something called “Bali with the bros,” which Cannoli did not attend due to Justin’s offensive lower legs being on full display.
Cannoli also hosted a preparatory panel on Roblox Live for the launch of the break-up text, which is scheduled for noon tomorrow. The panel included polling the reporters about which selfie she (and her butter bomb smexy legs) looked the hottest in. Then, in the spirit of “keeping a two-year relationship sacred,” Cannoli Venmo’d us $20 to not publish an additional comment about Justin’s ankles and baby giraffes. So we didn’t.
