Ashamed Leftist Enjoys Country Song

By Margaret Danenhauer 

AUSTIN, TX — Certified City Boy Noah Wylienout, once quoted saying “country music is like Trump, in that they both always suck,” was awestruck upon discovering a country song he liked this morning. 

“God, it wasn’t even Dolly Parton. It wasn’t even Kacey Musgraves, who I’m told is woke but I wouldn’t know because I don’t like music by women. It was some brunette with such a dark tan I had to Google if she was biracial,” Noah sighed. “And no, it wasn’t a Halsey crossover pop song, so don’t even ask.”

Mr. “I Enjoy Everything but Country” thought he was marked safe once Taylor Swift was declared woke but also fake country. But when  Taylor was declared not woke and real country seemingly overnight, he had to burn his Speak Now vinyl (Special Record Store Day Edition). Today, he says, was even more dire than that.

“It’s so fucking catchy, ok? And it has really good themes of like, evolving versus honoring your roots. Really, there’s some deeply resonant working class themes – it sounds like something boygenius might put out,” he was heard screaming as he was restrained by campus security.